Miracle
I passed the hardest class I took this semester, Astronomy
Which essentially means I have now truly survived my first 2 years of college
I feel major relief, that despite the roller coaster I found myself on for the past couple years prior to college and my time during it, I still managed to keep it together enough to graduate
I can definitely say having this blog has enabled me to reflect on thoughts, which has triggered deep introspection
I’m ready with open arms and a different attitude to move toward this new chapter in my life
It’s not often that I post feel-good things on this, as most of the time I’m posting when my life/mind is in chaos.. but in this I have a message:
NEVER ever.. EVER give up on yourself.
I know that sometimes life may be or seem unbearable, but there is light at the end of a tunnel.
Nothing can be perfect. Nothing will go as you planned.
But, feel your heart.. listen to yourself take a breath.
You’re alive.
Shouldn’t that be enough?
Spiderwebs
Another weekend passed
It was okay
In reality I was a mess
It started with crying, then moved onto thoughts of self-loathing
The main purpose of sleeping is that I usually escape what races through my mind, but when your dreams are memories you’d rather forget, it makes things impossible
I don’t know
I think I hold standards toward myself too high, but knowing that I’ve disappointed/hurt others in the past, I feel like I have a lot to make up for
I’ve made progress
I am making more sound decisions than I was before
The most exhausting thing about having depression is that you are in a constant battle
With yourself, mainly, but this also affects others around you
I’ve tried to explain why I just ‘cry out of the blue’ and ‘start making statements of self-hatred’, but now I just say “I don’t feel good.” This leads to the question “How or in what way?” I point to my head, saying, “my mind is broken and I can’t even begin to recall how long it’s been this way.” Unless you’ve experienced it yourself, the numbness.. waves of tiredness, anhedonia.. it all can sound very dramatized.. but it is certainly not.
“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
People are screwed up in this world. I’d rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode.
I’ve missed you, my old dearest friend, Insomnia.
I am not able to sleep again
Memories and thoughts seem to haunt me the most at night.. no matter how hard I try to distract myself, I can’t escape them..
An option would be for me to take my medicine, but fuck that..
It’s time to get back into therapy. 5 years since I’ve seen a therapist.. which was for bereavement counseling. It helped me accept the deaths of 2 people whom were extremely close to me, but did not help me cope with the depression that came with the grief.. therefore, a certain emptiness stuck with me.. and after a series of unfortunate events, I plunged into complete darkness.
I’m ready to get better.
Sick of living this way.. I need to change this state of mind & I know that it’s not possible for me to do it on my own, otherwise I wouldn’t feel confident that I need help in the first place.
There’s a lot of emotions/thoughts I’ve been internalizing for years and given the opportunity to release all of that, I am sure I will feel cleansed.. this doesn’t mean that I won’t ever be susceptible to depression nor anxiety, but it does make a difference in ones life.. anything can.
What it means to live
Learn from your mistakes.. do not repeat them
Let go of what prevents you from growing
You must love/respect yourself before you can expect anyone to do the same
Always trust your instincts
Follow your heart
Do not be afraid to take risks
Cherish each moment
This is what it means to live
Book recommendation
The greatest book I ever read on depression was:
‘Darkness Visible: A Memoir of Madness’ by William Styron
I bought it last year after it was on a list that my psychiatrist gave me of book recommendations
Another one that I’m currently considering buying is ‘I Hate You - Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality’.. but I probably will go to my local bookstore to see if it’s there before buying it online.
It may seem weird that someone whom has ‘mental illnesses’ would read books about them, but it brings a sense of validation.. you don’t feel as much of an outsider for the fact a book was published bringing to light that you’re not alone.
I was curious as to if any of you have read good books regarding mental health?
I look at old photographs
that make me wonder what happened to this girl that I used to know
who was so full of optimism, always inspired by creativity, whom believed in love..
unfortunately..she’s been in repair for a very long time now and has been working on getting better
we all know that the struggle is difficult, but in reality, the healing itself is perhaps the greatest battle of all
you realize that you’re having to adapt to feelings and a way of living that was a part of you so long ago..
you’ll be afraid..there is a part of you, deep inside your being, that is attached to the pain. you’re convinced that hurt is what keeps you existing..but that is not so
as the years change, we change. we get older.. we experience more
if anything, you must have HOPE.
don’t give up..
Balance
When I saw my psychiatrist recently, I gave him a mood chart that I was supposed to be filling out for the past couple months I’ve been seeing him, but never did.
The first day I went into his office, he diagnosed me with major depression and prescribed me WellButrin (which is also used for smoking cessation). The first weeks on it was hell - I had tons of breakdowns. I recall going into my philosophy class at the time, I could hardly keep my eyes open and I felt like I was going to pass out. I was literally drugged up on my antidepressant at school. Within a couple more weeks, the side effects phased out, but I was still irritable and my moods were like a roller-coaster.
I truly did not want to have to be put on any more medication - I already felt like Frankenstein as it was. Nonetheless, I told my psychiatrist how my moods were and he prescribed me Lithium (which is a mood stabilizer people who are bi-polar take). There is a history of Bi Polar disorder on my dad’s side, my sister has bi-polar disorder, as well as my Aunt.
I started taking my anti-depressant as well as the Lithium in combination with each other, one anti-depressant in the morning, one mood stabilizer. Then I’d take another mood stabilizer before bed each night.
I noticed it did help a bit, but my mood still felt like a roller-coaster and I was still feeling depressed now and then.
That’s when most recently, my psychiatrist instructed me to still take my anti-depressant, but if I find that it’s really causing me to have these mood swings, then to stop taking it completely and just take the mood stabilizer.
This notion, of course, comes with a price.
I followed his instructions and as of now, I am off my anti-depressant and just taking a mood stabilizer (and Xanax when I have anxiety… which is.. 100% of the time). The problem with this is that Lithium is mainly used to treat the mania side of Bi-Polar disorder, instead of depression.
So while the irritability has lessened and my mood swings aren’t as intense, I feel like complete shit. Xanax helps calm me down a bit.. but it doesn’t take away the sadness.
I never would have thought in a million years I’d be typing away about psychiatric medications that I take.
I hate how I’ve come to rely on these pills to make me feel better - I used to be so against this type of treatment. But looking back at where I was before I started, I have come a long way. My will to live is a lot stronger than it had been.
I’m hoping that I will find a balance with all this mess in my mind, so that I don’t have to be so dependent on something else to take away the pain.
