A Siren Song

So what happens when the heart gives up

I’ve had knots in my stomach all day

I’m one of those people with intuition of knowing when a relationship is going to end or there is intentional distance being created for the purpose of ending it

I used to be that person

That person who was afraid of something that is the only thing good in this world

love

I’ve let myself be open to it again, let down the guard..

but it has led to a heartache of confusion

I hope this is temporary

I hope this isn’t life

Go back

To know the pain
Of too much tenderness
I would give myself to thee

But just to clarify
My keeping distance I confess
That I know all too well
You’re not to be with me

But from across the room
You held my gaze
The keeper of my heart
Came to greet you with a warm embrace

Now I feel this heat
In my hands and feet
I have a belly full of butterflies
And weakness in my knees.

You better not come any closer
Cause I’ll lose myself if you do
And if in truth I cannot have you
Don’t encourage me wanting you

Go back
Go back
hurry while you still can

I just want you close to me

Close enough to hear the beat of your heart

My hands against your skin

The warmth of our bodies intertwined

A part of me is incomplete from the distance

When you are within reach I am whole again

Anxiety doesn’t overwhelm, nor does sadness

There is happiness that exists in your presence

I just want you close

close to me

Days like this

When I have absolutely no appetite, that’s my way of knowing when depression has sunk in the greatest..

I had to force myself to eat this morning. I never thought I’d be back to this point.

Describing exactly how it feels to someone whom has never experienced the sensation of ‘your brain telling you to eat but not finding food appetizing’ is difficult. 

I will mention that not craving food in the case of depression is not intentional.
I have always loved food.. so when I all the sudden reject it, there is definitely something not right.

The lowest weight I got to was 93 ilbs.

I weigh 98 now.

Numb

There are days where you think you’ve conquered it

That you’ve faced your demons, your greatest fear(s)

But then it all comes back to haunt you one day

The numbness sets in

You realize that you are not free yet

You have not completely won the battle against yourself

We are good

Early morning, rising with the sun,
resting where the sky meets the earth.
‘feeling the first rays of sunlight reach into my soul
where they reinstate the sense of my own self-worth.

If you’re not good, you’re bad: that’s far too black and white.
Behold the glorious sun in all its radiance bright.
It too is at times is obscured by the thick blue veil of night.
Still the moon and all the stars combine to reflect its light.

And so it is that we are good though we do not always do as we should.
We lose track of right and wrong and we’re not always standing strong.
But still, don’t you wanna believe in things that eyes do not perceive
like the light shining from within that in a battle with our darkness can win?

Love is like standing on the edge of a cliff

It never used to be this scary, I never felt as though I had to be cautious

But I know what I’ve put other people through, I know what I’ve been through

It’s better to be vigilant than take the risk of falling into your own trap

I’ve been working on forgiving myself this whole year, making amends

Despite this, I will never be able to forget my actions, but I will not repeat them

There is a part of me that is ready to love again.. but I am still standing at the edge of that cliff..