Dreams
This whole month I’ve been having tons of dreams when I’m asleep at night
All of them involve different people, some of which are still in my life and those whom are not
I truly believe there’s a deep meaning to whatever dream I have, irregardless if it doesn’t seem to make sense
When I was in my major depressive episode/breakdown last year.. I realize now that I was hardly dreaming
I couldn’t stop my mind from racing last night as I was laying down.. which is the beginning of knowing I’m going to have all sorts of weird dreams & shall be tossing/turning
I’m usually very good at remembering what my dreams consist of, but I have so many at once and they all seem to intertwine & happen quickly
I remember bits and pieces
I know I’ve ranted about this all before, but I just find it interesting
Miracle
I passed the hardest class I took this semester, Astronomy
Which essentially means I have now truly survived my first 2 years of college
I feel major relief, that despite the roller coaster I found myself on for the past couple years prior to college and my time during it, I still managed to keep it together enough to graduate
I can definitely say having this blog has enabled me to reflect on thoughts, which has triggered deep introspection
I’m ready with open arms and a different attitude to move toward this new chapter in my life
It’s not often that I post feel-good things on this, as most of the time I’m posting when my life/mind is in chaos.. but in this I have a message:
NEVER ever.. EVER give up on yourself.
I know that sometimes life may be or seem unbearable, but there is light at the end of a tunnel.
Nothing can be perfect. Nothing will go as you planned.
But, feel your heart.. listen to yourself take a breath.
You’re alive.
Shouldn’t that be enough?
I find it so hard to be true
And all these lies I’m telling you
Are little anchors in my chest
That pull us down into this mess
I find it easy to distract
And just as soon as you turn your back
I’ll be gone again
I find it so hard to be true
And all the secrets I keep from you
Are like a blackness in my heart
That only tears us both apart
I find it easy to pretend
That we’re not heading for our end
That’s why I’m telling you
I built a wall
I cut you off
Now there’s no lie
That’s gonna fix this up
I played the saint
The saint I ain’t
Now all the hurt
Is here again…. here again
(a tribute to the past)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This a self portrait, and prose to go along with it.
I’ll be starting a series of posts on here as a ‘Tribute to the past.’
We never change, do we?
It’s hard explaining what it feels like.
The emptiness, the pain. In general..
Spiderwebs
Another weekend passed
It was okay
In reality I was a mess
It started with crying, then moved onto thoughts of self-loathing
The main purpose of sleeping is that I usually escape what races through my mind, but when your dreams are memories you’d rather forget, it makes things impossible
I don’t know
I think I hold standards toward myself too high, but knowing that I’ve disappointed/hurt others in the past, I feel like I have a lot to make up for
I’ve made progress
I am making more sound decisions than I was before
The most exhausting thing about having depression is that you are in a constant battle
With yourself, mainly, but this also affects others around you
I’ve tried to explain why I just ‘cry out of the blue’ and ‘start making statements of self-hatred’, but now I just say “I don’t feel good.” This leads to the question “How or in what way?” I point to my head, saying, “my mind is broken and I can’t even begin to recall how long it’s been this way.” Unless you’ve experienced it yourself, the numbness.. waves of tiredness, anhedonia.. it all can sound very dramatized.. but it is certainly not.
“It’s not all bad. Heightened self-consciousness, apartness, an inability to join in, physical shame and self-loathing—they are not all bad. Those devils have been my angels. Without them I would never have disappeared into language, literature, the mind, laughter and all the mad intensities that made and unmade me.”
― Stephen Fry, Moab Is My Washpot
My eyes burn
I can feel the wave of exhaustion all throughout my body
But I do not want to sleep
Life has been translating into my dreams.. which means nightmares
I’ll attempt to sleep
forget about all this for a couple hours
then go through the whole cycle again tomorrow
cheers :)
People are screwed up in this world. I’d rather be with someone screwed up and open about it than somebody perfect and ready to explode.
So what happens when the heart gives up
I’ve had knots in my stomach all day
I’m one of those people with intuition of knowing when a relationship is going to end or there is intentional distance being created for the purpose of ending it
I used to be that person
That person who was afraid of something that is the only thing good in this world
love
I’ve let myself be open to it again, let down the guard..
but it has led to a heartache of confusion
I hope this is temporary
I hope this isn’t life
