A Siren Song

Photo

Tue, 21 May 2013 11:24:00 -0400

"From a Buddhist point of view, relationship is a great mirror. It is the mirror in which we see..."

Fri, 10 May 2013 08:26:18 -0400

“

From a Buddhist point of view, relationship is a great mirror. It is the mirror in which we see ourselves, in which we discover ourselves. That mirror can be distorted. I remember the first time I saw myself in a funhouse mirror: “Oh, what happened to me? I’m all stretched out.” [laughter] The mirror can also be very clear. We can see ourselves and what we are up to so directly. That makes relationship a beautiful experience.

When we sit by ourselves, it’s easy to enjoy our mental games, fantasies, ego trips, and so forth. We can go on and on and on without any problem. But try that with your partner! Then here comes the mirror. The mirror will reflect and show you your ugly ego trips. A mirror is very neutral—it just reflects. It doesn’t take any sides. It is just a mirror for both of us.

In this mirror, we discover ourselves—our tendencies, our weaknesses, and our strengths. We discover our good qualities as well as our negative qualities. So this mirror becomes a very precious teacher for us, a very precious path. The mirror of relationship becomes a very precious teaching for us to discover who we really are and where we are on the path and in the world altogether.

”

- Ponlop Rinpoche (via thegreatearth)

Whatever will be, will be.

Thu, 09 May 2013 16:44:46 -0400

Whatever will be, will be.

Skype

Thu, 09 May 2013 13:27:47 -0400

I’m considering making a Skype where I can talk to some of you, if you ever feel lonely/need advice.

I’m more than happy to be there for others, cause I know what’s like to feel like you have no one.

If you’re interested & have Skype, just leave your info in my ask box & I’ll add you when I make the account. :) :)

Lessons learned

Thu, 09 May 2013 12:55:11 -0400

I only wish to love, not hurt, anymore

Some past memories are fading into the distance, but certainly not the lessons I’ve taken away from experiences

My perspective is starting to clear up in regards to how I view relationships/how people treat others

Everyone is different, but I believe there has to be honesty and respect to a degree

If you don’t want to be with someone, just end things, don’t resort to fooling around behind your boyfriend/girlfriends back

I went through a rough patch where I was entirely reckless in terms of relationships

I only cared about how I felt in those moments of time, I acted impulsively and as a result did major damage

I’ve realized how much I’ve grown since then and I look back in disgust that I made such brash decisions

You can’t go back in time and change things, but you can definitely change how you act and treat others

hellanne: (by skippedheartbeats)

Mon, 06 May 2013 09:29:46 -0400

hellanne:

(by skippedheartbeats)

loveyourquotes: http://www.loveyourquotes.tumblr.com

Mon, 06 May 2013 09:22:05 -0400

loveyourquotes:

http://www.loveyourquotes.tumblr.com

Rediscovering

Fri, 03 May 2013 19:35:30 -0400

I haven’t written lately because I quite frankly don’t have much to say

I’ve just been keeping myself busy doing things since I’ve arrived back home

It’s been relatively peaceful.. which it has been awhile since I’ve truly felt that way here

I’ve been a good girl, taking my medication consistently..

I have not had any depressing feelings/thoughts for the past couple days, which is very odd

I can honestly say it’s the first time in almost 8 years that I haven’t at least had 1 bout of melancholy ruin my day

For this, I can say the medication has been doing its job

I’m definitely not cured, but I can function in my life/society

There are still thoughts that I’m attached to that I need to get away from

That of which I know medicine can’t resolve, so I’m definitely beginning counseling when I go back to school in August

Overall, I feel good and there’s nothing I can truly vent about right now

I may just be finally rediscovering the meaning in life that I lost..

Hello, Summer.

Mon, 22 Apr 2013 13:31:26 -0400

Tomorrow I take my last 2 final exams for this semester.

I always feel the same toward the end & beginning: Anxious/excited

I would like to just move out tomorrow, but I have to wait till Wednesday morning

This semester definitely challenged me in terms of schedule, but I guess it’s better in my case to be constantly preoccupied. That way the shitty thoughts can’t get a hold of me so often.

I’m actually looking forward to going home for a couple months. I do miss it, but I know at the same time I can handle being away.

I have decided that while I’d like some time to relax during this Summer, I also need to have goals set in mind to achieve

When I was in the deepest throes of my depression, I weighed 93 lbs. Since that time I’ve gained (healthy) weight and I definitely feel weird. I’m not out of shape, but I wish I could be more in shape. When I was younger I exercised all the time. Though it wasn’t anything strenuous, it still made me feel like I was getting somewhere.

So my goals for Summer 2013 are as follows:

Exercise regularly
Cook more homemade meals
Get back into photography
Be in nature more
Develop a healthier relationship w/yourself

While I know that last goal certainly won’t happen overnight, I realize that it’s been a long time since I’ve felt proud of who I was. While others may recognize me for what I’ve accomplished, I tend to set higher standards of myself. I feel like I have a lot to live up to in this world and sometimes I don’t know if I’m ready to handle it.

Regardless, I’m looking forward to this summer & I will definitely become more interactive with this blog as a result of having more free time to spare.

Thought my dear followers would like...

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 17:30:09 -0400

Thought my dear followers would like this.

——

Diseases of the body garner sympathy, says comedian Ruby Wax — except those of the brain. Why is that? With dazzling energy and humor, Wax, diagnosed a decade ago with clinical depression, urges us to put an end to the stigma of mental illness.

This doesn't help my social anxiety..

Tue, 16 Apr 2013 17:40:14 -0400

So I had my final presentation today for the semester

I tried my best to stay calm, especially after my partner for the presentation didn’t show up for class

In normal circumstances I would have panicked, but I ended up just showing our whole PowerPoint & answering questions

My partner did show up (around 10:20 am, when our class starts at 9:30)

I asked him if he forgot that we were presenting today after class was over, but he told me that he was spending time with his son

Even though I was upset, I kept my composure. I wouldn’t have minded the reason if he had been courteous enough to at least text me that he wouldn’t make it. But eh, life moves on.

In a way, I’m sort of glad it happened because I learned 2 things:

1. I don’t need to rely on Xanax to calm my nerves for a presentation
(I’ve been out of it for a week)

2. I have more confidence than I give myself credit for

The professor for the class I was doing this project for can be very intimidating at times, but after I answered my classmates questions, he said that I did so with major confidence.

I can honestly say I was surprised by this. I always feel like how I reflect myself upon others is the complete opposite.

Regardless, while social anxiety may always be a part of me, I now am discovering ways to overcome difficulties.

Good riddance..

Mon, 15 Apr 2013 17:46:00 -0400

This is my last full week of the semester

Of which at the moment I’m writing 3 individual papers for one class & then one five paged paper for another - all due tomorrow!

The one good thing is I didn’t entirely procrastinate, I finished a presentation last week that I’m showing in a class tomorrow also.

While I didn’t have a chance to fit a counselor in my schedule this semester, I definitely will make a point to go see them when I come back in August.

Honestly the only thing that has factored into this sort of being a wishy washy college experience for me is the lack of true friendship. I have made some nice acquaintances in my classes, but other than that I still feel lonely. That’s truly the only thing that’s bothering me.

Then I start to blame myself..cause I know I’m capable, I just need to feel confident first

There is still beauty out there, though we get too caught up in...

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 17:08:25 -0400

There is still beauty out there, though we get too caught up in all the madness of life.

Haunted

Wed, 10 Apr 2013 07:51:33 -0400

I had, what seems, like the 1000th dream of someone from my past last night.

It always seems to have the same theme - heartbreak, forgiveness, mixed with anger/fear.

I’ve honestly never dreamt of a person so much before - what makes it even more interesting is that I haven’t spoken to them in a year. Though there have been close incidents where I’ve seen them in public.

In the last dream I had, I felt a sense of letting go, but I guess I’m more haunted than I realized.

I know this is all a result of them being trapped in my memory..I never had a real chance to let go/resolve what permeates my soul from that relationship. This explains why I continue having dreams of them.

I just want to be free of this..

Photo

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 22:22:21 -0400

Pull yourself together already.

Tue, 09 Apr 2013 18:54:00 -0400

I’ve been having too many confusing emotions lately

One day I can think straight

The next, I don’t know what to feel

First Self Portrait I’ve taken in awhile. Feels...

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 17:01:49 -0400

First Self Portrait I’ve taken in awhile. Feels good.

Times are hard for dreamers..

"I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can..."

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 16:54:00 -0400

““I have the choice of being constantly active and happy or introspectively passive and sad. Or I can go mad by ricocheting in between.””

- Sylvia Plath

A little bit of a break.

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 09:14:59 -0400

I’ve missed writing here, but, I’m currently sick & was extremely busy with doing school work.

I’m going back home this weekend to spend some time with my mom & cats, so I more than likely shall end up writing on here/posting photos/possible video.

I hope you all are doing well!

- A

I wish

Fri, 29 Mar 2013 11:07:05 -0400

I wish I could make you laugh

I wish I could make you smile

I wish I could make you not be afraid to be open

I wish I could make you truly feel love again

I wish I could turn back time and erase your pain..

I wish